30/5/2015

Remember how i said I was going to take each day at a time? Well, today was a pretty bad day.

I think that maybe the reason I am so afraid of failure, of always trying to make sure I have a clear path to my future is because I have seen my siblings go through these murky paths and not come out the way they are supposed to. I think the four other closest people I have in my life, haven't gone beyond the first year of degree and that scares me because I am always afraid that I am doomed to repeat the family history. I think I am realizing how much thinking I actually do each day, each moment. All these thoughts just floating around in my head like a mobeaus strip, so endless and mind boggling.

I felt on edge again today, I know its easy to say that I am like this because of my support system and things like that..But I almost succeeded at shutting my mind down today- not think about any of these things, but I still felt like crap. I felt angry, and the added stress of what my "friends" from college are going to say when they see me on Monday is driving me up the wall. They expect me to have lost weight and all those stuff. What if they keep telling me.. aw! you've gotten fatter..or aw! You've gotten darker..or any of that stuff, I might end up going off on them! I have to figure out an effective plan to deal with what to say and what to do when that happens. I don't want my first day back to be the start of my blow up.

I tried to shut my mind off for another day. I watched my series and did what I was told . But the series watching ended today. From tomorrow, the days have to be used more productively. One step at a time!

Here are some things I should be doing:

Keep Writing
Workout
Eat ON TIME
Sleep ON TIME
Start studying, an hour a day at least
.

29/5/2015

So, here is a little back story:

I'm 20 and on my final year of undergrad at college.
I have two brothers(Ikaka1 & Ikaka2 for now) and my parents( Uppa&Umma).
I live in a small town in a corner of India.
I saw a therapist today because I was spinning out of control.
 Let's call this therapist Ms.S.

She told me to write down what I think, what i feel and what I do for at least a week, because these three things are not in sync in my life right now and maybe the reason why I feel like I am lost.

Right now, I think I am trying hard to make this blog entry seem more eloquent than I really am. I think I might end up leaving this half way through because that is what I usually do as I don't think I am capable of reaching that successful point. Ms.S really did quite get me! I think she understood how scared I am of failure, helped me realize how I do see the world in blacks and whites without any grey areas- there are my rights and my wrongs and the rest of the world has to adjust to my rights and wrongs. I have had a life where it was easy to compartmentalize people where they needed to be, an organized place in my mind but the support system is shifting and the ground trembling beneath me is the reason why I might have flipped out.Every day, even today I think about how I should be doing so many things, preparing for my PG entrances, working out and losing weight for Ikaka2's wedding, how I should already start preparing for his marriage, but I NEED to focus on none of that for now, I need to find a way to reconnect with myself, find a way to have an inherent clarity on who I am and what I am within myself. Ms.S said that the first step is to figure out how to have a good relationship with myself, before trying to fix my relationship with everyone else.

When it comes to my feeling, I feel relieved after quite a while. Recently, it seemed to like I was totally losing it, but then I got a reassurance that too many things happening at the same time, added with this crucial point in my life when I should be making the biggest decisions of my life.. It has made me lose my grip on what I am , what I should feel like, and how I should be dealing with life and dealing with people. The way Ms.S said that I have a sense of right and wrong and that I am too genuine and logical for an insane world..and trying to be sane in an insane world might be what is making me aggressive and volatile, it resonates exactly how I feel. 

I talked to my friend N and I was talking about how I feel like life seems too cruel these days, how much people judge each other.. How things like slut shaming, fat shaming and MCPs revel in their entitled mentality and I feel so enraged and talk so passionately that my friend asked me if I am high, or if I was waking up from a sleep! These things have been like this since the time I was born and so long before, but somehow even these can blow me up at times. 

For now, I need to do what is actually in my control, one day at a time- fix myself, try to understand what I need to do with myself... slowly change my lethargic lifestyle. Eat better, be more active, spend less time with my head and my heart and do more things with my hand. And most of all I have to try and take each day,one day at a time.