I Proclaim...

There is four hours left till the bells toll twelve

A new year is born tomorrow

A day that signifies the fresh start we all deserve

The one day of the year when everyone unites in their plight to change

All things said and done

it is the day to forget all the past and take a fresh new leaf

This year, I don't plan to make  proclamations of all the things to come

"Just you wait, you wont recognize me by the end of the year"

I have said the similar and worse, 

 this time, I am grown enough to realize,

how much I've set myself up for public failure, time and again.

I've realized I am a barking dog, that never bit

and is the one that bit off more than I can chew

I've realized I am worst enemy 

and that I've got a fast growing list 

of all the things I wanted to, needed to do..

But never got around to doing.

Most of all,

Here is what I've realized:

Proclamations are for loud mouths who never get anything done

And I've both been there and done that.

This year, 

I've decided

I'll just keep my mouth shut

just put up a thank you note for all the love 

and count my blessings and say my prayers

This year, I will let my actions be louder than my words

And this is the only proclamation I shall make! 

Keepsakes

There have been so many keepsakes and words and memories that I destroyed.

just because it hurt me too much to keep it in possession.

But looking back, I wish I had kept  them all,each one.

The notes, and the ring

the poems wirtten for me and about me

and the dreams they dreamed up with me..

The rings and the lockets,

the voices and feelings. 

I put them all in a box,

poured my sorrow on top 

and lit the fire with my pain
I watched it burn to ash with crimson flames reflected in my eyes. 

But now I realize..

these keepsakes and experiences are such a big part of me.

Although I parted ways with them, I will never truly part with them.

They made me who I am, What I am. 

All those people..

The ones that loved me..the ones I loved..

The ones that were crazy for me..

the ones that drove me crazy.

Amid all the craze,love,pain and memories

they were the ones that helped me find myself.

Mean

Some days I just feel like being mean
I am angry at so many things at the same time,
I don't think I can put on the happy face today.
It might mean
I'll act like a bitch to the ones that stick by me
It might mean I am displeased at the whole world
But amongst my days of pretending,
Some days.. I need a day for reality. 

I wish I could translate each of my feelings as eloquently as they are intense.

But what happens is quite contrary-

the sentences become fragmented, phrases become scattered and words become scarce.

Feelings are so fickle,

One minute I am just cruising along in elation and the next I am in a puddle of morose.

I keep telling myself

If you get those words out, you can make it out of the surge of emotions.

But sadly all that happens is

sweaty palms, thumping nerves, tear filled eyes and the occasinal dry mouth.

But still,

No words,

let alone any comprehensible sentences.

Someday

\

Someday, a man is going to walk into my life and he will be all things that the one before was and better.

This man will show me things are not as bad as I dread and expect them to be like,

this man, will wipe away all the pain, loss and fear that the one before left behind.

He will make me understand why so many things had to go wrong

So that I would be worthy of the good that came later.

He will be everything I dreamed of and more.

Someday, this is going to happen,

Or so I have to believe.

But that day

is not

Today.

I was inspired by the Queen Song, "Somebody To Love"

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord what you're doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

Lord!

Somebody, somebody

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Deception

Leaves that promised never to fall,

hearts that pledged never to fail.

Love that seemed eternal,

bonds that we deemed perpetual.

Fledglings that swore never to fly away,

And beauty that could never wither away.

Of claims made and failed,

Only deception; sovereign reigned.

-         

The Quest (ion) of Solitude

 "If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it."

In our world, alone is associated with unwanted. 
As long as people succumb to meet our society's prerequisite for acceptance, 
How can things change?

Even the ones who thrive in the solitude,
 strive for companionship.
Not for any kind of gratification, 
but  for the validation of their desirability

How can anyone truly enjoy the freedom in loneliness, 
when they are scared of the stares and presumptions?

In my world, wanting to be alone,
is wrong.
A good girl, doesn't need to sit alone.
Unless she is sad,depressd, or god forbid!,
Trying to hide something.

But how can solitude and happiness,
 be mutually exclusive?

That change from feeling dejected for being lonely ,
to finding solace in solitude, 
is what we are searching for.

Here and Now.

She has been broken before. She was always a little broken inside. 

And she always found new ways to keep herself that way. 

She never trusted anyone,but still got hurt. 

But these days, the only person she does not trust,is herself.

And only because she has let herself trust someone completely.

It is strange,even insane. 

She had found tranquility in her distrust. 

It does not matter anymore. 

Getting hurt is second nature to her. 

The only thing that matters is that she has someone in her life,

who she expects to come back to her .

They may not get forever, 

but nobody gets forever. 

She has found you,

here and now. 

Someone she has been looking for her whole life. 

You have given her something no one else could. 

Faith. 

Faith that there is someone like you out there for someone like her. 

Faith that even if she doesn't get forever with you, 

she gets this much with you. 

She has been through enough to know that forever, 

is for fools. 

Here and now.

Is what matters.

Escapism??!

"Forgive and forget..? Isn't that a form of Escapism ?", somebody asked me once. To be honest,not really... at least,not to me.Escapism can seem like a kind of a naive selective memory. A word for the act of cowardice.You messed up and you choose to runaway. But,I choose never to dwell too much on the past because it simply holds no interest to me.I have made a lot of mistakes and its my choice to look forward in spite of it all. 

People say that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. But isn't life a never ending rerun? We repeat ourselves. We fall, pick ourselves up. Sometimes, we fall into a deeper pit,but we climb a steeper mountain uphill. We enjoy the view from the Alta vista, but for how long?! Nobody gets to stay on top of the world forever. Sooner or later,you will have to comedown from there. And that is always gonna be downhill climb.

Forget the mountaineering analogy, Isn't life like a rubber ball? If it goes down, it has to come up. And if the rubber ball refuses to bounce back up after hitting the cold hard ground, hasn't it lost its purpose in life? Isn't it just plain useless now? But imagine the rubber ball forgets about hitting the ground, bruises and all, and decides to do what comes naturally after the fall.
If you have the strength at heart to grant yourself a clean slate, a slate free from mistakes and pains, you are giving yourself the courage to try new things. For a baby, a world is a fearless place. He is ready to take on anything and everything, he is ready to take the steps. He forgets the fact that he fell down so many times before. If he remembers those falls, and decides to crawl forever,would he be better off?

So, escapism might actually be a tool of propulsion. A way to grant yourself a clean slate,that can give you the courage to throw yourself into a projectile flight after a gut wrenching fall. So shouldn't escapism actually be considered as a good thing? A viable disposition?

Think about it: 
Why dwell on the trials and tribulations of the past,day after day when there is a better future laying ahead with endless  possibilities..?

#LetterToYoungerSelf

We often make mistakes growing up. Mostly we learn from them, but some we regret. If you had a time turner, what advice would you give to your younger self? #LetterToYoungerSelf

 

Dear Younger Me,

 I hope I find you at a good time. Preferably before you started 9th grade. The next few years are going to be the few years that shape your character.I am not going to tell you everything that is going to happen and not let you go through the experiences who make me who I am right now. But I do have to tell you few things:

1) At more than one point in the next four years, you are going to think that life cannot get any worse and that it is never going to get better. But believe me, There are worse experiences waiting for you. But, everything does get better. All it takes is just a little patience and strength of heart.

2)Hang onto your porcupine friend. He is going to stick with you. He may seem annoying and act like an ass at times, but he is going to be the one constant thing amongst all the variables.Spend as much time with him while you are with him in school,because soon you are going to part ways and you are always going to regret not spending enough time with him. The girl friends wont even remember you 2 days after summer begins.Make the time with him COUNT.

3) Your folks are always watching your back. They may seem to be against you at times,but they are not.They are some of the only people in your corner no matter what.

4)Never do things when you are angry or emotional.It never leads to good things. The decisions you take when you are emotionally compromised are always going to be messy and dangerous.

5) You are going to struggle with your studies after 10th.It is not going to be smooth sailing.You are going to mess up your priorities and get into trouble. You are going to lose yourself,your clarity,your mind. But you are going to survive this.

6)This is the one thing I am going to tell you in detail.Try and stop eating to beat the boredom because in 4 years you will be fat and will be struggling to lose weight. Its going to be a very tough time. You will hate your guts for getting fat. You will break down,cry,have emotional outbursts at random points after months of starving and over training. Just don't let your weight get more than 60kg.   

7)No matter how much life starts to get in your way,don't stop blogging.Once you stop doing it you are going to have a hard time picking it back up.This blogging thing is going to be the one thing that is going to define you and your career while going forward in life.

I guess what I am trying to say that is that the one thing. This Too Shall Pass, is the quote that is going to keep you going.

 

Love,

Present Me.

Acceptance..Clarity....!!!

I am not perfect..
Nor Do I claim to be..
I am anything but perfect..
I have made a lot of mistakes..
some that haunt me to this day..and moment..but even then..i choose to learn from them....i choose to accept them as a part of making me who I am today..and I choose not to let it define or destroy me..I choose to let it empower me..
I do not justify my faults....but i choose to forgive myself and move on..
And those who cannot accept those parts of me.... Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out..!!

How Fast Can You Run?

I find myself at a point in life when I was seriously worried about what I have gotten myself into.
I was lost.
Or I though I was.
I thought I was in love or something similar,but the truth is that I was fooling myself for once!!
I was never in love in the first place...
I have learnt the hard way that when it comes to rejection,i can dish it out,but I cannot take it.
That's a good thing as well since I am yet to learn more about myself.
I have been attempting for so long to learn about myself,
to remain single and understand what I am,
before falling for anyone else
and after a brief hiatus of about 2 months,I am back on track.
I am back to focusing on "ME".