I know

Folks say faith is all you need

believe in yourself

believe in her

believe in him

If its meant to be,

its mean to be.

When I say I am scared,

it is not because I don't have faith 

It's because I've seen too much

I've been through enough

So much so, that I know 

What this world can do to you

This world is implusive,

tumultous, it can turn your life upside in down

In less time than a second. 

It's not that I dont have faith

It's just I know this world,

and its penchant for ruin and disarray. 

PLANS

When things don't work out as planned, 

when plans turns to smoke 

and I am left standing with nothing for company but my till-then-hopeful mind,

I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I try to make things workout,

I try to put on a brave face and act like its all okay

How do I tell someone that this plan was all I had going on for me?

My only hope which I was hanging onto.

To those others, it all seems like something silly and juvenile, 

but for me this was my all.

I was willing to put everything aside to accommodate for this,

but isn't it funny when no one else, not even your most trusted wouldn't do the same?

I guess I am yet to learn my lesson on "To Each His Own" or something like it..

The Dance

I go through life as if its a performance
a dance through my life-

through the perceived memories

through the laughter

through the merriment and banter

through the worst, the bad, and the good.

I've been thrust onto the stage by a force that I've never known.

I'm moving mindlessly,

like the ghost of some ardent dancer

thrashing and twisting,

to the music of an unknown feverish chorus

a never ending song 

composed to the beats that rise and fall,

my body arches 

my limbs take form 

sweat drips down from my brow

I do wish my body knew such litheness enough when I was young enough.

I wish upon all my wishes,

that it was my physical being that danced so,

without a care in the world

but it is my possessed mind that takes form again,

ready for yet another act 

a pirouette for the beat of despair

a sway to the rhythm of the agony

and a grand finale for the wretched soul that has forgotten how to live.

03/06/2015

I just got my third semester results today.

I failed one exam.

I am at a loss on what to say right now.. :(

I think I knew this was coming

I feel sad and hurt and angry as hell. I don't know how I should be feeling right now.

Getting a failed exam paper is going to affect all future plans if i don't clear this paper in time..

I dont know what I am supposed to do right now.

02/06/2015

I am pretty damn tired today. Had a busy day at college, listening to classes (more like sleeping off) and then walking around college. I also had to makeup for not uploading anything the last two days by typing everything I had written down.

I have managed to keep my till now idle mind pretty damn busy over the whole day today. I got so busy that I haven't felt the need to even eat through the time I have been home. I am searching for things to type up, but I am at a loss right now. I am yet to work on spending more time with parents.

Oh, a friend of mine called me fat to my face today, but I somehow grinned and held my tongue! That's a big win for me I guess, usually I'd cry on the spot or say a cruel retort so this is a victory I guess.

I guess this is all I have to say for the day today I guess. I am trying to get back into studying daily again, but that was a bust today, but I plan on getting there soon! :) 

01/06/2015

Today was the first day back in college and what a day it was!

I got up today and had to 'think" myself into action.I had a hard time forcing myself to go to class. I had a quiet day in class, as quiet as a first day back to class would be and then had a first time experience- stood in a crowded line, mongered for tickets and watched an amazing movie with my friends

I think I realized that the major reason why I may not mingle with everyone maybe because of my weight gain. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Its all well and good even if you are fat if you love yourself. But i ave lost my love for myself a long time ago. What I can do might be to take each day. eat with a basic mindfulness . but workout like a maniac each day.

I think that instead of wondering whether my parents will pave a way for me to study,i should try and study at least for an hour each day.

Maybe what Ms.S said is true. About all these feelings being the work of an idle mind. I was so busy today that after a while I forgot that I was supposedly feeling like crap. But I do feel that twinges of sadness throughout the day,here and there. I wish that would go away completely, but those twinges of sadness has been with me for so long, I cant remember not being without it.

31/05/2015 The Girl Who Hated Time

I didn't feel like writing about my thoughts, feelings and actions on the 31st, 

so I settled down to right down whatever came out...and it turned out into a story.. 

It is confusing and unkempt. But this is my story and this is for me! 

There are no morals or rules to my story writing and it will always be so. 

A girl. Her appearance is not of any relevance. She is at the beginning of adulthood and she is lost. No, she is literally lost in a forest. 

These are the facts. 

The girl sits on a tree stump; bewildered and frightened at how she got there and how the hell she is going to get out. She has always a had a bad sense of directions and location; heaven knows her brother has scolded her enough for it. She had a knack for forgetting her way. She is always considered the "bold one" who had everything under control, but her select few knew exactly how scatterbrained she was and how she fretted over the tiniest of details.

She always had to get out minutes before the actual time, what is obstructions occurred on their way and she ended up too late? She envisioned her entire life this way. Maybe character trait comes from a lifetime experience (albeit a short one) of seeing her loved ones always starting off, maybe a second too late, and never getting to their destinations; and sometimes not at all.  

This nameless girl only two options- do it in time or not at all. She is afraid of confrontations, for confrontations are amiable conversations that did not occur at the right time. Maybe she thought that these are a form of owning up to her failure and she couldn't make herself do that. 

The fact of the matter is that the girl hated time. Not doing things at the right time or not paying enough  attention,or having a particular conversation not happen at the exact instant of time dictates how a persons whole life will turn out. Maybe the reason why she is so lost is because she didn't pay attention to a millisecond of a conversation in the right time- her mind maybe chose to wander off right then and there. Maybe she shuffled past the correct turn when she rushed forward on hearing a faint rustling somewhere. These exact examples are the reasons why she loathed time and the power it could wield over everything and everyone.

So this day, the girl will spend all her energy trying to get out of this forest, but ironically enough the reason that she is stuck there is because of time itself. The woods are obviously set in such a way that one can only get out of it at the right time and there is no particular science to this concept either. When the time is right, she will get out. But whether getting out of these woods will help her get over her hate for "time" is a question that only (funnily enough) time can tell. 

30/5/2015

Remember how i said I was going to take each day at a time? Well, today was a pretty bad day.

I think that maybe the reason I am so afraid of failure, of always trying to make sure I have a clear path to my future is because I have seen my siblings go through these murky paths and not come out the way they are supposed to. I think the four other closest people I have in my life, haven't gone beyond the first year of degree and that scares me because I am always afraid that I am doomed to repeat the family history. I think I am realizing how much thinking I actually do each day, each moment. All these thoughts just floating around in my head like a mobeaus strip, so endless and mind boggling.

I felt on edge again today, I know its easy to say that I am like this because of my support system and things like that..But I almost succeeded at shutting my mind down today- not think about any of these things, but I still felt like crap. I felt angry, and the added stress of what my "friends" from college are going to say when they see me on Monday is driving me up the wall. They expect me to have lost weight and all those stuff. What if they keep telling me.. aw! you've gotten fatter..or aw! You've gotten darker..or any of that stuff, I might end up going off on them! I have to figure out an effective plan to deal with what to say and what to do when that happens. I don't want my first day back to be the start of my blow up.

I tried to shut my mind off for another day. I watched my series and did what I was told . But the series watching ended today. From tomorrow, the days have to be used more productively. One step at a time!

Here are some things I should be doing:

Keep Writing
Workout
Eat ON TIME
Sleep ON TIME
Start studying, an hour a day at least
.

29/5/2015

So, here is a little back story:

I'm 20 and on my final year of undergrad at college.
I have two brothers(Ikaka1 & Ikaka2 for now) and my parents( Uppa&Umma).
I live in a small town in a corner of India.
I saw a therapist today because I was spinning out of control.
 Let's call this therapist Ms.S.

She told me to write down what I think, what i feel and what I do for at least a week, because these three things are not in sync in my life right now and maybe the reason why I feel like I am lost.

Right now, I think I am trying hard to make this blog entry seem more eloquent than I really am. I think I might end up leaving this half way through because that is what I usually do as I don't think I am capable of reaching that successful point. Ms.S really did quite get me! I think she understood how scared I am of failure, helped me realize how I do see the world in blacks and whites without any grey areas- there are my rights and my wrongs and the rest of the world has to adjust to my rights and wrongs. I have had a life where it was easy to compartmentalize people where they needed to be, an organized place in my mind but the support system is shifting and the ground trembling beneath me is the reason why I might have flipped out.Every day, even today I think about how I should be doing so many things, preparing for my PG entrances, working out and losing weight for Ikaka2's wedding, how I should already start preparing for his marriage, but I NEED to focus on none of that for now, I need to find a way to reconnect with myself, find a way to have an inherent clarity on who I am and what I am within myself. Ms.S said that the first step is to figure out how to have a good relationship with myself, before trying to fix my relationship with everyone else.

When it comes to my feeling, I feel relieved after quite a while. Recently, it seemed to like I was totally losing it, but then I got a reassurance that too many things happening at the same time, added with this crucial point in my life when I should be making the biggest decisions of my life.. It has made me lose my grip on what I am , what I should feel like, and how I should be dealing with life and dealing with people. The way Ms.S said that I have a sense of right and wrong and that I am too genuine and logical for an insane world..and trying to be sane in an insane world might be what is making me aggressive and volatile, it resonates exactly how I feel. 

I talked to my friend N and I was talking about how I feel like life seems too cruel these days, how much people judge each other.. How things like slut shaming, fat shaming and MCPs revel in their entitled mentality and I feel so enraged and talk so passionately that my friend asked me if I am high, or if I was waking up from a sleep! These things have been like this since the time I was born and so long before, but somehow even these can blow me up at times. 

For now, I need to do what is actually in my control, one day at a time- fix myself, try to understand what I need to do with myself... slowly change my lethargic lifestyle. Eat better, be more active, spend less time with my head and my heart and do more things with my hand. And most of all I have to try and take each day,one day at a time.

I Proclaim...

There is four hours left till the bells toll twelve

A new year is born tomorrow

A day that signifies the fresh start we all deserve

The one day of the year when everyone unites in their plight to change

All things said and done

it is the day to forget all the past and take a fresh new leaf

This year, I don't plan to make  proclamations of all the things to come

"Just you wait, you wont recognize me by the end of the year"

I have said the similar and worse, 

 this time, I am grown enough to realize,

how much I've set myself up for public failure, time and again.

I've realized I am a barking dog, that never bit

and is the one that bit off more than I can chew

I've realized I am worst enemy 

and that I've got a fast growing list 

of all the things I wanted to, needed to do..

But never got around to doing.

Most of all,

Here is what I've realized:

Proclamations are for loud mouths who never get anything done

And I've both been there and done that.

This year, 

I've decided

I'll just keep my mouth shut

just put up a thank you note for all the love 

and count my blessings and say my prayers

This year, I will let my actions be louder than my words

And this is the only proclamation I shall make! 

Keepsakes

There have been so many keepsakes and words and memories that I destroyed.

just because it hurt me too much to keep it in possession.

But looking back, I wish I had kept  them all,each one.

The notes, and the ring

the poems wirtten for me and about me

and the dreams they dreamed up with me..

The rings and the lockets,

the voices and feelings. 

I put them all in a box,

poured my sorrow on top 

and lit the fire with my pain
I watched it burn to ash with crimson flames reflected in my eyes. 

But now I realize..

these keepsakes and experiences are such a big part of me.

Although I parted ways with them, I will never truly part with them.

They made me who I am, What I am. 

All those people..

The ones that loved me..the ones I loved..

The ones that were crazy for me..

the ones that drove me crazy.

Amid all the craze,love,pain and memories

they were the ones that helped me find myself.

Mean

Some days I just feel like being mean
I am angry at so many things at the same time,
I don't think I can put on the happy face today.
It might mean
I'll act like a bitch to the ones that stick by me
It might mean I am displeased at the whole world
But amongst my days of pretending,
Some days.. I need a day for reality. 

I wish I could translate each of my feelings as eloquently as they are intense.

But what happens is quite contrary-

the sentences become fragmented, phrases become scattered and words become scarce.

Feelings are so fickle,

One minute I am just cruising along in elation and the next I am in a puddle of morose.

I keep telling myself

If you get those words out, you can make it out of the surge of emotions.

But sadly all that happens is

sweaty palms, thumping nerves, tear filled eyes and the occasinal dry mouth.

But still,

No words,

let alone any comprehensible sentences.

Someday

\

Someday, a man is going to walk into my life and he will be all things that the one before was and better.

This man will show me things are not as bad as I dread and expect them to be like,

this man, will wipe away all the pain, loss and fear that the one before left behind.

He will make me understand why so many things had to go wrong

So that I would be worthy of the good that came later.

He will be everything I dreamed of and more.

Someday, this is going to happen,

Or so I have to believe.

But that day

is not

Today.

I was inspired by the Queen Song, "Somebody To Love"

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord what you're doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

Lord!

Somebody, somebody

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Deception

Leaves that promised never to fall,

hearts that pledged never to fail.

Love that seemed eternal,

bonds that we deemed perpetual.

Fledglings that swore never to fly away,

And beauty that could never wither away.

Of claims made and failed,

Only deception; sovereign reigned.

-         

The Quest (ion) of Solitude

 "If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it."

In our world, alone is associated with unwanted. 
As long as people succumb to meet our society's prerequisite for acceptance, 
How can things change?

Even the ones who thrive in the solitude,
 strive for companionship.
Not for any kind of gratification, 
but  for the validation of their desirability

How can anyone truly enjoy the freedom in loneliness, 
when they are scared of the stares and presumptions?

In my world, wanting to be alone,
is wrong.
A good girl, doesn't need to sit alone.
Unless she is sad,depressd, or god forbid!,
Trying to hide something.

But how can solitude and happiness,
 be mutually exclusive?

That change from feeling dejected for being lonely ,
to finding solace in solitude, 
is what we are searching for.

Here and Now.

She has been broken before. She was always a little broken inside. 

And she always found new ways to keep herself that way. 

She never trusted anyone,but still got hurt. 

But these days, the only person she does not trust,is herself.

And only because she has let herself trust someone completely.

It is strange,even insane. 

She had found tranquility in her distrust. 

It does not matter anymore. 

Getting hurt is second nature to her. 

The only thing that matters is that she has someone in her life,

who she expects to come back to her .

They may not get forever, 

but nobody gets forever. 

She has found you,

here and now. 

Someone she has been looking for her whole life. 

You have given her something no one else could. 

Faith. 

Faith that there is someone like you out there for someone like her. 

Faith that even if she doesn't get forever with you, 

she gets this much with you. 

She has been through enough to know that forever, 

is for fools. 

Here and now.

Is what matters.

Escapism??!

"Forgive and forget..? Isn't that a form of Escapism ?", somebody asked me once. To be honest,not really... at least,not to me.Escapism can seem like a kind of a naive selective memory. A word for the act of cowardice.You messed up and you choose to runaway. But,I choose never to dwell too much on the past because it simply holds no interest to me.I have made a lot of mistakes and its my choice to look forward in spite of it all. 

People say that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. But isn't life a never ending rerun? We repeat ourselves. We fall, pick ourselves up. Sometimes, we fall into a deeper pit,but we climb a steeper mountain uphill. We enjoy the view from the Alta vista, but for how long?! Nobody gets to stay on top of the world forever. Sooner or later,you will have to comedown from there. And that is always gonna be downhill climb.

Forget the mountaineering analogy, Isn't life like a rubber ball? If it goes down, it has to come up. And if the rubber ball refuses to bounce back up after hitting the cold hard ground, hasn't it lost its purpose in life? Isn't it just plain useless now? But imagine the rubber ball forgets about hitting the ground, bruises and all, and decides to do what comes naturally after the fall.
If you have the strength at heart to grant yourself a clean slate, a slate free from mistakes and pains, you are giving yourself the courage to try new things. For a baby, a world is a fearless place. He is ready to take on anything and everything, he is ready to take the steps. He forgets the fact that he fell down so many times before. If he remembers those falls, and decides to crawl forever,would he be better off?

So, escapism might actually be a tool of propulsion. A way to grant yourself a clean slate,that can give you the courage to throw yourself into a projectile flight after a gut wrenching fall. So shouldn't escapism actually be considered as a good thing? A viable disposition?

Think about it: 
Why dwell on the trials and tribulations of the past,day after day when there is a better future laying ahead with endless  possibilities..?

#LetterToYoungerSelf

We often make mistakes growing up. Mostly we learn from them, but some we regret. If you had a time turner, what advice would you give to your younger self? #LetterToYoungerSelf

 

Dear Younger Me,

 I hope I find you at a good time. Preferably before you started 9th grade. The next few years are going to be the few years that shape your character.I am not going to tell you everything that is going to happen and not let you go through the experiences who make me who I am right now. But I do have to tell you few things:

1) At more than one point in the next four years, you are going to think that life cannot get any worse and that it is never going to get better. But believe me, There are worse experiences waiting for you. But, everything does get better. All it takes is just a little patience and strength of heart.

2)Hang onto your porcupine friend. He is going to stick with you. He may seem annoying and act like an ass at times, but he is going to be the one constant thing amongst all the variables.Spend as much time with him while you are with him in school,because soon you are going to part ways and you are always going to regret not spending enough time with him. The girl friends wont even remember you 2 days after summer begins.Make the time with him COUNT.

3) Your folks are always watching your back. They may seem to be against you at times,but they are not.They are some of the only people in your corner no matter what.

4)Never do things when you are angry or emotional.It never leads to good things. The decisions you take when you are emotionally compromised are always going to be messy and dangerous.

5) You are going to struggle with your studies after 10th.It is not going to be smooth sailing.You are going to mess up your priorities and get into trouble. You are going to lose yourself,your clarity,your mind. But you are going to survive this.

6)This is the one thing I am going to tell you in detail.Try and stop eating to beat the boredom because in 4 years you will be fat and will be struggling to lose weight. Its going to be a very tough time. You will hate your guts for getting fat. You will break down,cry,have emotional outbursts at random points after months of starving and over training. Just don't let your weight get more than 60kg.   

7)No matter how much life starts to get in your way,don't stop blogging.Once you stop doing it you are going to have a hard time picking it back up.This blogging thing is going to be the one thing that is going to define you and your career while going forward in life.

I guess what I am trying to say that is that the one thing. This Too Shall Pass, is the quote that is going to keep you going.

 

Love,

Present Me.

Acceptance..Clarity....!!!

I am not perfect..
Nor Do I claim to be..
I am anything but perfect..
I have made a lot of mistakes..
some that haunt me to this day..and moment..but even then..i choose to learn from them....i choose to accept them as a part of making me who I am today..and I choose not to let it define or destroy me..I choose to let it empower me..
I do not justify my faults....but i choose to forgive myself and move on..
And those who cannot accept those parts of me.... Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out..!!