I know

Folks say faith is all you need

believe in yourself

believe in her

believe in him

If its meant to be,

its mean to be.

When I say I am scared,

it is not because I don't have faith 

It's because I've seen too much

I've been through enough

So much so, that I know 

What this world can do to you

This world is implusive,

tumultous, it can turn your life upside in down

In less time than a second. 

It's not that I dont have faith

It's just I know this world,

and its penchant for ruin and disarray. 

PLANS

When things don't work out as planned, 

when plans turns to smoke 

and I am left standing with nothing for company but my till-then-hopeful mind,

I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I try to make things workout,

I try to put on a brave face and act like its all okay

How do I tell someone that this plan was all I had going on for me?

My only hope which I was hanging onto.

To those others, it all seems like something silly and juvenile, 

but for me this was my all.

I was willing to put everything aside to accommodate for this,

but isn't it funny when no one else, not even your most trusted wouldn't do the same?

I guess I am yet to learn my lesson on "To Each His Own" or something like it..

The Dance

I go through life as if its a performance
a dance through my life-

through the perceived memories

through the laughter

through the merriment and banter

through the worst, the bad, and the good.

I've been thrust onto the stage by a force that I've never known.

I'm moving mindlessly,

like the ghost of some ardent dancer

thrashing and twisting,

to the music of an unknown feverish chorus

a never ending song 

composed to the beats that rise and fall,

my body arches 

my limbs take form 

sweat drips down from my brow

I do wish my body knew such litheness enough when I was young enough.

I wish upon all my wishes,

that it was my physical being that danced so,

without a care in the world

but it is my possessed mind that takes form again,

ready for yet another act 

a pirouette for the beat of despair

a sway to the rhythm of the agony

and a grand finale for the wretched soul that has forgotten how to live.

03/06/2015

I just got my third semester results today.

I failed one exam.

I am at a loss on what to say right now.. :(

I think I knew this was coming

I feel sad and hurt and angry as hell. I don't know how I should be feeling right now.

Getting a failed exam paper is going to affect all future plans if i don't clear this paper in time..

I dont know what I am supposed to do right now.

02/06/2015

I am pretty damn tired today. Had a busy day at college, listening to classes (more like sleeping off) and then walking around college. I also had to makeup for not uploading anything the last two days by typing everything I had written down.

I have managed to keep my till now idle mind pretty damn busy over the whole day today. I got so busy that I haven't felt the need to even eat through the time I have been home. I am searching for things to type up, but I am at a loss right now. I am yet to work on spending more time with parents.

Oh, a friend of mine called me fat to my face today, but I somehow grinned and held my tongue! That's a big win for me I guess, usually I'd cry on the spot or say a cruel retort so this is a victory I guess.

I guess this is all I have to say for the day today I guess. I am trying to get back into studying daily again, but that was a bust today, but I plan on getting there soon! :) 

01/06/2015

Today was the first day back in college and what a day it was!

I got up today and had to 'think" myself into action.I had a hard time forcing myself to go to class. I had a quiet day in class, as quiet as a first day back to class would be and then had a first time experience- stood in a crowded line, mongered for tickets and watched an amazing movie with my friends

I think I realized that the major reason why I may not mingle with everyone maybe because of my weight gain. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Its all well and good even if you are fat if you love yourself. But i ave lost my love for myself a long time ago. What I can do might be to take each day. eat with a basic mindfulness . but workout like a maniac each day.

I think that instead of wondering whether my parents will pave a way for me to study,i should try and study at least for an hour each day.

Maybe what Ms.S said is true. About all these feelings being the work of an idle mind. I was so busy today that after a while I forgot that I was supposedly feeling like crap. But I do feel that twinges of sadness throughout the day,here and there. I wish that would go away completely, but those twinges of sadness has been with me for so long, I cant remember not being without it.

31/05/2015 The Girl Who Hated Time

I didn't feel like writing about my thoughts, feelings and actions on the 31st, 

so I settled down to right down whatever came out...and it turned out into a story.. 

It is confusing and unkempt. But this is my story and this is for me! 

There are no morals or rules to my story writing and it will always be so. 

A girl. Her appearance is not of any relevance. She is at the beginning of adulthood and she is lost. No, she is literally lost in a forest. 

These are the facts. 

The girl sits on a tree stump; bewildered and frightened at how she got there and how the hell she is going to get out. She has always a had a bad sense of directions and location; heaven knows her brother has scolded her enough for it. She had a knack for forgetting her way. She is always considered the "bold one" who had everything under control, but her select few knew exactly how scatterbrained she was and how she fretted over the tiniest of details.

She always had to get out minutes before the actual time, what is obstructions occurred on their way and she ended up too late? She envisioned her entire life this way. Maybe character trait comes from a lifetime experience (albeit a short one) of seeing her loved ones always starting off, maybe a second too late, and never getting to their destinations; and sometimes not at all.  

This nameless girl only two options- do it in time or not at all. She is afraid of confrontations, for confrontations are amiable conversations that did not occur at the right time. Maybe she thought that these are a form of owning up to her failure and she couldn't make herself do that. 

The fact of the matter is that the girl hated time. Not doing things at the right time or not paying enough  attention,or having a particular conversation not happen at the exact instant of time dictates how a persons whole life will turn out. Maybe the reason why she is so lost is because she didn't pay attention to a millisecond of a conversation in the right time- her mind maybe chose to wander off right then and there. Maybe she shuffled past the correct turn when she rushed forward on hearing a faint rustling somewhere. These exact examples are the reasons why she loathed time and the power it could wield over everything and everyone.

So this day, the girl will spend all her energy trying to get out of this forest, but ironically enough the reason that she is stuck there is because of time itself. The woods are obviously set in such a way that one can only get out of it at the right time and there is no particular science to this concept either. When the time is right, she will get out. But whether getting out of these woods will help her get over her hate for "time" is a question that only (funnily enough) time can tell. 

30/5/2015

Remember how i said I was going to take each day at a time? Well, today was a pretty bad day.

I think that maybe the reason I am so afraid of failure, of always trying to make sure I have a clear path to my future is because I have seen my siblings go through these murky paths and not come out the way they are supposed to. I think the four other closest people I have in my life, haven't gone beyond the first year of degree and that scares me because I am always afraid that I am doomed to repeat the family history. I think I am realizing how much thinking I actually do each day, each moment. All these thoughts just floating around in my head like a mobeaus strip, so endless and mind boggling.

I felt on edge again today, I know its easy to say that I am like this because of my support system and things like that..But I almost succeeded at shutting my mind down today- not think about any of these things, but I still felt like crap. I felt angry, and the added stress of what my "friends" from college are going to say when they see me on Monday is driving me up the wall. They expect me to have lost weight and all those stuff. What if they keep telling me.. aw! you've gotten fatter..or aw! You've gotten darker..or any of that stuff, I might end up going off on them! I have to figure out an effective plan to deal with what to say and what to do when that happens. I don't want my first day back to be the start of my blow up.

I tried to shut my mind off for another day. I watched my series and did what I was told . But the series watching ended today. From tomorrow, the days have to be used more productively. One step at a time!

Here are some things I should be doing:

Keep Writing
Workout
Eat ON TIME
Sleep ON TIME
Start studying, an hour a day at least
.

29/5/2015

So, here is a little back story:

I'm 20 and on my final year of undergrad at college.
I have two brothers(Ikaka1 & Ikaka2 for now) and my parents( Uppa&Umma).
I live in a small town in a corner of India.
I saw a therapist today because I was spinning out of control.
 Let's call this therapist Ms.S.

She told me to write down what I think, what i feel and what I do for at least a week, because these three things are not in sync in my life right now and maybe the reason why I feel like I am lost.

Right now, I think I am trying hard to make this blog entry seem more eloquent than I really am. I think I might end up leaving this half way through because that is what I usually do as I don't think I am capable of reaching that successful point. Ms.S really did quite get me! I think she understood how scared I am of failure, helped me realize how I do see the world in blacks and whites without any grey areas- there are my rights and my wrongs and the rest of the world has to adjust to my rights and wrongs. I have had a life where it was easy to compartmentalize people where they needed to be, an organized place in my mind but the support system is shifting and the ground trembling beneath me is the reason why I might have flipped out.Every day, even today I think about how I should be doing so many things, preparing for my PG entrances, working out and losing weight for Ikaka2's wedding, how I should already start preparing for his marriage, but I NEED to focus on none of that for now, I need to find a way to reconnect with myself, find a way to have an inherent clarity on who I am and what I am within myself. Ms.S said that the first step is to figure out how to have a good relationship with myself, before trying to fix my relationship with everyone else.

When it comes to my feeling, I feel relieved after quite a while. Recently, it seemed to like I was totally losing it, but then I got a reassurance that too many things happening at the same time, added with this crucial point in my life when I should be making the biggest decisions of my life.. It has made me lose my grip on what I am , what I should feel like, and how I should be dealing with life and dealing with people. The way Ms.S said that I have a sense of right and wrong and that I am too genuine and logical for an insane world..and trying to be sane in an insane world might be what is making me aggressive and volatile, it resonates exactly how I feel. 

I talked to my friend N and I was talking about how I feel like life seems too cruel these days, how much people judge each other.. How things like slut shaming, fat shaming and MCPs revel in their entitled mentality and I feel so enraged and talk so passionately that my friend asked me if I am high, or if I was waking up from a sleep! These things have been like this since the time I was born and so long before, but somehow even these can blow me up at times. 

For now, I need to do what is actually in my control, one day at a time- fix myself, try to understand what I need to do with myself... slowly change my lethargic lifestyle. Eat better, be more active, spend less time with my head and my heart and do more things with my hand. And most of all I have to try and take each day,one day at a time.