29/5/2015

So, here is a little back story:

I'm 20 and on my final year of undergrad at college.
I have two brothers(Ikaka1 & Ikaka2 for now) and my parents( Uppa&Umma).
I live in a small town in a corner of India.
I saw a therapist today because I was spinning out of control.
 Let's call this therapist Ms.S.

She told me to write down what I think, what i feel and what I do for at least a week, because these three things are not in sync in my life right now and maybe the reason why I feel like I am lost.

Right now, I think I am trying hard to make this blog entry seem more eloquent than I really am. I think I might end up leaving this half way through because that is what I usually do as I don't think I am capable of reaching that successful point. Ms.S really did quite get me! I think she understood how scared I am of failure, helped me realize how I do see the world in blacks and whites without any grey areas- there are my rights and my wrongs and the rest of the world has to adjust to my rights and wrongs. I have had a life where it was easy to compartmentalize people where they needed to be, an organized place in my mind but the support system is shifting and the ground trembling beneath me is the reason why I might have flipped out.Every day, even today I think about how I should be doing so many things, preparing for my PG entrances, working out and losing weight for Ikaka2's wedding, how I should already start preparing for his marriage, but I NEED to focus on none of that for now, I need to find a way to reconnect with myself, find a way to have an inherent clarity on who I am and what I am within myself. Ms.S said that the first step is to figure out how to have a good relationship with myself, before trying to fix my relationship with everyone else.

When it comes to my feeling, I feel relieved after quite a while. Recently, it seemed to like I was totally losing it, but then I got a reassurance that too many things happening at the same time, added with this crucial point in my life when I should be making the biggest decisions of my life.. It has made me lose my grip on what I am , what I should feel like, and how I should be dealing with life and dealing with people. The way Ms.S said that I have a sense of right and wrong and that I am too genuine and logical for an insane world..and trying to be sane in an insane world might be what is making me aggressive and volatile, it resonates exactly how I feel. 

I talked to my friend N and I was talking about how I feel like life seems too cruel these days, how much people judge each other.. How things like slut shaming, fat shaming and MCPs revel in their entitled mentality and I feel so enraged and talk so passionately that my friend asked me if I am high, or if I was waking up from a sleep! These things have been like this since the time I was born and so long before, but somehow even these can blow me up at times. 

For now, I need to do what is actually in my control, one day at a time- fix myself, try to understand what I need to do with myself... slowly change my lethargic lifestyle. Eat better, be more active, spend less time with my head and my heart and do more things with my hand. And most of all I have to try and take each day,one day at a time.

I Proclaim...

There is four hours left till the bells toll twelve

A new year is born tomorrow

A day that signifies the fresh start we all deserve

The one day of the year when everyone unites in their plight to change

All things said and done

it is the day to forget all the past and take a fresh new leaf

This year, I don't plan to make  proclamations of all the things to come

"Just you wait, you wont recognize me by the end of the year"

I have said the similar and worse, 

 this time, I am grown enough to realize,

how much I've set myself up for public failure, time and again.

I've realized I am a barking dog, that never bit

and is the one that bit off more than I can chew

I've realized I am worst enemy 

and that I've got a fast growing list 

of all the things I wanted to, needed to do..

But never got around to doing.

Most of all,

Here is what I've realized:

Proclamations are for loud mouths who never get anything done

And I've both been there and done that.

This year, 

I've decided

I'll just keep my mouth shut

just put up a thank you note for all the love 

and count my blessings and say my prayers

This year, I will let my actions be louder than my words

And this is the only proclamation I shall make! 

Keepsakes

There have been so many keepsakes and words and memories that I destroyed.

just because it hurt me too much to keep it in possession.

But looking back, I wish I had kept  them all,each one.

The notes, and the ring

the poems wirtten for me and about me

and the dreams they dreamed up with me..

The rings and the lockets,

the voices and feelings. 

I put them all in a box,

poured my sorrow on top 

and lit the fire with my pain
I watched it burn to ash with crimson flames reflected in my eyes. 

But now I realize..

these keepsakes and experiences are such a big part of me.

Although I parted ways with them, I will never truly part with them.

They made me who I am, What I am. 

All those people..

The ones that loved me..the ones I loved..

The ones that were crazy for me..

the ones that drove me crazy.

Amid all the craze,love,pain and memories

they were the ones that helped me find myself.

Mean

Some days I just feel like being mean
I am angry at so many things at the same time,
I don't think I can put on the happy face today.
It might mean
I'll act like a bitch to the ones that stick by me
It might mean I am displeased at the whole world
But amongst my days of pretending,
Some days.. I need a day for reality. 

I wish I could translate each of my feelings as eloquently as they are intense.

But what happens is quite contrary-

the sentences become fragmented, phrases become scattered and words become scarce.

Feelings are so fickle,

One minute I am just cruising along in elation and the next I am in a puddle of morose.

I keep telling myself

If you get those words out, you can make it out of the surge of emotions.

But sadly all that happens is

sweaty palms, thumping nerves, tear filled eyes and the occasinal dry mouth.

But still,

No words,

let alone any comprehensible sentences.

Someday

\

Someday, a man is going to walk into my life and he will be all things that the one before was and better.

This man will show me things are not as bad as I dread and expect them to be like,

this man, will wipe away all the pain, loss and fear that the one before left behind.

He will make me understand why so many things had to go wrong

So that I would be worthy of the good that came later.

He will be everything I dreamed of and more.

Someday, this is going to happen,

Or so I have to believe.

But that day

is not

Today.

I was inspired by the Queen Song, "Somebody To Love"

Each morning I get up I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry

Lord what you're doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

Lord!

Somebody, somebody

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Deception

Leaves that promised never to fall,

hearts that pledged never to fail.

Love that seemed eternal,

bonds that we deemed perpetual.

Fledglings that swore never to fly away,

And beauty that could never wither away.

Of claims made and failed,

Only deception; sovereign reigned.

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